THE FEW THE PROUD
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, (state your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life
to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the
ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the
Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear
camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't
figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself
that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a
court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I
will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is
because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will
walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I
will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave
me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she
leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at
work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs
because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to
the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever
that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in
construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone
about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to
use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, (state your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and
because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take
credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take
their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise,
but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States,
even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk
around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not
really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at
all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of
my <snicker> "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will
believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean
the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will
do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good),
will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I
consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, (state your name), in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4
years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang
out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I
thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought,
"Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went
out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every
pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of
"floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that
acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,
and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and
subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that,
once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,
and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, (state your name), swear...uuhhhh...high-and- tight...
So help me Corps. Semper Fi!